A tribute, unauthorised
Some men grow a beard. Josh is accompanied by one. It enters the room roughly half a second ahead of him, and it has never once been asked to leave.
The record
Collected carefully over a long period by people with no training and no instruments.
Longitudinal study
One series, twelve readings, zero methodology. The dip in June is not discussed at family gatherings.
Scored 0–10 by an unqualified panel of one
| Month | Majesty | Note |
|---|
The breakdown
Each component assessed at arm's length, then again from across the room, which is where it really lands.
Doctrine
Observed, reverse-engineered, and written down by someone who cannot grow one.
Shampoo is for hair that has nothing to lose. A beard wants conditioner, warm water, and to be left alone the rest of the day.
Everything good happens underneath. Work it in at the jaw and let the beard take what it wants on the way out.
Upward is how you find out which strands were only ever loosely committed.
Or on a Sunday. Or within one hour of seeing a photograph of yourself at an unfamiliar angle.
Two fingers above the collarbone. Draw the line once, defend it forever.
Deflecting is rude to the beard. A nod is sufficient. A nod is, frankly, a lot.
Field notes
“I stopped him to ask for directions. I no longer remember where I was going.”
— a pedestrian, still standing there
“Thirty-one years behind a chair. I put the scissors down and simply admired it.”
— a barber, humbled
“We keep a razor in this house the way other families keep a fire extinguisher.”
— the bathroom cabinet
“Sir, this is a drive-thru.” Then, quieter: “…it looks incredible.”
— an employee, off script